I Can’t Believe You Just Said That!
พูดจบต้องตบปาก

BICK: ขอต้อนรับเข้าสู่รายการ whatdoyousay พอดแคสต์สองภาษา ที่ว่าด้วยเรื่องของการสื่อสารเพื่อเสริมสร้างความสัมพันธ์อันดีงาม

00.27
วันนี้เราคุยเรื่องเพื่อน สิ่งมีชีวิตที่ใกล้ชิดเรามากที่สุด และก็เพราะใกล้ชิดนี่แหละ เลยอาจกระทบกระทั่งกันง่าย บางครั้งเราก็ไม่รู้ตัวว่า สิ่งที่เราพูดมันไปทิ่มแทงเพื่อนตรงไหนบ้าง หรือบางครั้ง เพราะความที่สนิทกัน เพื่อนก็ไม่รู้ว่าเรารู้สึกหรือเซนสิทีฟกับอะไรเป็นพิเศษ

So let’s talk about another awkward situation. Have you ever been hurt by what your friend said to you, and they have, like, no idea why you got upset in the first place. And the other way around, have you ever regretted saying anything to hurt your friends, so bad you wish you could take it back?

01:10
FIAT: Yes I have hurt people with my words, sometimes as a revenge, or sometimes I feel frustrated. When I hurt people I do it without thinking. I did that a lot when I was younger. Today I might still doing it but I think I try to minimize it. You do it out of rage. You try to hurt other people, like, you hurt me? Fine! I hurt you back! Which is not good and not healthy at all. And it’s also childish. I think we get hurt the most by people in the inner circle of our relationship. If it’s someone else, like strangers calling us names, we might get over it very easily, like in a few days. But if it’s boyfriends or family it might be like months.

BEAU:
Because you can’t take back what you said.

I think we get hurt the most
by people in the inner circle of our relationship.

02.56

BICK: How about you, Beau? Have you ever said anything or anybody ever said anything to you that was so hurtful?

BEAU: No, not my friends. I think, being girl, we’re more cautious of what we say to each other because we’re pretty much a thinking machine, we overthink about everything, about every word. So we always think that if we hear this then we’re gonna overthink it.  Which means if I say that to my friends, they would probably overthink it, too. Cause we’re girls. But I think if it’s just acquaintances or just normal friends, and not really close friends, I wouldn’t normally be super blunt with them, I guess. If it’s my best friends then I could just be honest with them and we can totally understand each other.

FIAT: I think for girls, they overthink about what people say to them, like, really? My hair? What’s wrong with my hair?

BEAU: We’re very self-conscious.

FIAT: They can turn anything personal, like, “You look tired today”, “Really?!?!?!? Do I look that bad?!?!?!?”

BEAU: They just take things out of context, for sure.

BICK: So that’s why you’re always being extra cautious about what you say to your friends.

BEAU: I try to think about my words before I say it especially when I’m mad.

04.50

BICK: I have learned the similar lesson. This happened to an old friend of mine. We were friends from the first grade up until the 8th grade, right before I have to move to the different high school. So about 7 years ago, out of the blue, she called me. Apparently she knew from someone or somewhere that now I’m an editor at a publishing house. And of course she had a pitch for a book. So she told me about her love life, a long, dramatic, boring love life. Actually it was not that boring but it would not fit our target audience. I was listening to this story as an editor because I’m considering whether or not this could actually become a book. And I guess I got pissed a little because I felt like she was wasting my time. Books are not like movies. You know about the elevator pitch? Sometimes you got into an elevator with a producer, let’s say. And you’re a scriptwriter or a director and you want to make a movie. You can pitch an idea to this person with money in 3 minutes, before they get out of the elevator and disappear. You can go like, okay we’re gonna make a new Batman movie, starring Clint Eastwood and directed by Spielberg. Done! You might actually get your money just based on that short pitch. But books don’t work the same way. We actually need the actual 90 percent complete manuscript in order to make a decision. So I felt like she was wasting my time cause she got no work to show, just talking. I got frustrated and said something pretty harsh, like, ‘You know this is too boring, sappy, immature…’, everything bad. What a jerk, right? (BEAU: Well, you have to be honest, to be fair.) Yeah but I didn’t need to be that mean. I could’ve chosen better words. I could’ve said it nicely. And she went silent. When she started speaking again I could tell that she was hurt. And I was like, oh man, I was such a douche bag. I wish I didn’t say that. I regret saying that to her. (FIAT: Did you apologize?) No. By the time we hung up I was still mad. But I thought about it later and I feel really really bad. (BEAU: So I guess you guys aren’t keeping in touch today?) No, not really. Because we haven’t been hanging out since pretty much 8th grade and that was the only phone call I got from her anyway. That taught me a lesson. Dealing with a writer is one thing, but I wasn’t fair to her. Because even for a professional writer, it’s not easy to pitch a book idea to an editor. And she was this person who has absolutely no idea about this business. I shouldn’t have expected that from her in the first place. It’s not fair. Not her fault. (BEAU: She’s probably listening right now. So, hi, you know who you are.) I know I was bad. I was a jerk. (BEAU: At least she know you feel bad.) I really did. I still do. (FIAT: I wish you could patch things up with her) It’s weird too, actually I shouldn’t have cared so much because we practically stopped being friends a long time ago but I still kept thinking about this often.

09.25
เอาล่ะ นะ เราคงมีทั้งเรื่องการกระทำและคำพูดที่อยากจะนั่งไทม์แมชชีนกลับไปลบกันทั้งนั้น แต่พี่คิดว่า ก็ดีที่มันเกิดขึ้น และก็ดีที่เรารู้ตัวว่าเราเป็นคนที่แย่แค่ไหนที่ทำในสิ่งนั้นหรือพูดสิ่งนั้นออกไป มันจะได้สอนว่า อย่าทำอย่างนี้อีก

FIAT: ดีที่สุดคือเราได้เรียนรู้จากสิ่งที่เราทำไปแล้ว ไม่ใช่ผิดซ้ำผิดซาก อันนี้ไม่โอเค ควรจะ live and learn และอย่างที่พูดไปคือ เรามักจะโดนทำร้ายจิตใจมากที่สุดจากคนใกล้ตัว บางทีเพราะคิดว่าสนิทกัน จะพูดอะไรก็ได้ แต่บางทีเขาไม่พร้อมจะรับฟัง หรือบางทีเราพูดด้วยอารมณ์ และไม่ได้กลั่นกรอง บางทีเราพูดกับคนแปลกหน้าดีกว่าคนที่รู้จักกันดีเสียอีก ทำไมเราไม่ทำแบบนี้กับคนใกล้ตัวบ้าง ในทางตรงข้าม บางทีคนสนิทเราก็พูดในสิ่งที่ไม่ได้ตั้งใจจะเฮิร์ตเราด้วยซ้ำ แต่เรานั่นแหละที่เฝ้าหยิบมันขึ้นมาทิ่มแทงตัวเอง

ก็ดีที่เรารู้ตัวว่าเราเป็นคนที่แย่แค่ไหนที่ทำในสิ่งนั้นหรือพูดสิ่งนั้นออกไป
มันจะได้สอนว่า อย่าทำอย่างนี้อีก

11.26
BICK: And now let’s take a look at our Top 5 List of Things You Hate The Most When Your Friends Say Them To You มาดูกันว่า มีคำอะไรบ้าง ที่บางครั้งเพื่อนพูดแล้วเรารู้สึกเจ็บที่สุด

Number 5 “Stop crying! It’s no big deal!” อีนี่ร้องทำไมนักหนาวะ ไม่เห็นจะเป็นเรื่องใหญ่อะไรเลย

FIAT: Well, it’s not a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to me.

BEAU: For me, it’s like, when I’m crying, I feel like I need to cry it out rather than holding it in because when you hold it in you can’t release the tension. So you just cry it out and when you’re done, you’re done. And you feel so much better. What I usually say to my friend is, ‘Cry it all out, honey.’ That would make them feel so much better.

12.53
BICK: Number 4 “If I were you…” หลายครั้งที่คนชอบพูดแบบนี้เพราะมันพูดง่ายมั้ง you can say anything because you don’t have to be responsible for what you say or any consequences เช่นไปพูดว่า ‘If I were you I’d quit’ เกิดมันไปลาออกจริงๆ แล้วมาเคาะประตูบ้านขอข้าวกิน ก็ต้องให้มันเข้ามาปะ ต้องรับผิดชอบนะ ลำบากนะ

FIAT: It’s not easy to say. Each person’s background is different. The way people think or the way they were raised was different.

BEAU: They don’t know the backstory either. They don’t know the entire story. They don’t know what happened prior to the story. So for them to say ‘If I were you’, it’s not fair because you’re not me. Don’t make that judgment for me.

14.05
BICK: Number 3 “Just hang in there. You’ll find the one someday” พูดด้วยน้ำเสียงของพี่นางฟ้าใจดีที่ลงมาโปรดเด็กยากไร้ที่ไม่มีสามีหรือภรรยา So how would you feel if people said that to you especially your friends?

BEAU: Honestly I think if they say it in a sincere and genuine way I wouldn’t mind so much but if they say it in a generic way just to make you feel better, I don’t think they need to say that. Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying this. My friends have said that to me before and I have said something similar to my friends before, but not in this context. I said, don’t rush into things. Don’t hurry. Don’t jump into a relationship just because you’re hurt right now. Just hang in there and someone for you will come along.

Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying this

15.27
BICK: Number 2 “Calm down!”

FIAT: I was complaining about my friend for being so busy and not having time to see me. And I was complaining to another friend. His name is B and maybe he’s listening, too. I want to say I’m sorry. So I’m complaining and he said, ‘Calm down!’ and I was like, ‘Why should I? I’m venting here!’ Then he was like, ‘You don’t have to be aggressive to me!’, and I was like, ‘Wait a minute… This is not about you, this is about her, the busy friend’

BEAU: I think ‘Calm down’ is kinda like the ‘Stop crying’ thing. Sometimes you just need to vent out. You need to be angry. You’re human. You have all these emotions going through you and you need to channel it out. So sometimes you either have to cry it out or get mad or something to get the aggression out. So for someone to keep telling you to calm down, it’s not helping. I’ve seen the cast where someone is getting mad and I said, ‘Calm down’, they’d be like, ‘I’m not mad! What are you talking about? I AM calm!” It will aggravate them even more by saying ‘Calm down’ So just avoid it.

17.52
BICK: And the number 1 on the list of things you hate the most when your friends say them to you is “I told you so!”

BEAU: Not even friends, I hate that sentence in general, no matter who said it. Because it’s like, ‘I knowww… the moment this happened your words were going through my head. I realized that you told me that this was gonna happen so i don’t need you to tell me that you’re smart or better. So sometimes what ended up happening was I would be the one who said, ‘…and don’t tell me ‘I told you so’, please…’ even before I started telling the story คือดักไว้ก่อนเลย

BICK: แต่บางทีเราก็อดไม่ได้นะ If we’re close enough and you can feel that it’s already safe to joke a little or rub it in a little. You could say that. I have said that sometimes if I’m sure that this would not anger my friends. You could be like, ‘Told ya’

BEAU: I’d definitely say that in a lighter mood but not when someone was making a mistake because that’d be like rubbing it in their face. Someone’s already down, by saying, ‘I told you so’ might bring them down even more.

19.45

BICK: Now let’s take a look at the Top 3 of the opposite, ‘Things you love the most when your friends say them to you’

Number 3, “Psst, that guy’s checking you out…” เป็นการแสดงความอารีกับเพื่อน เมื่อมีคนแสดงทีท่าว่าเล็งเพื่อนเราอยู่ ก็บอกให้เพื่อนรู้ ไม่ใช่บล็อกซะเลย ไม่อยากให้เพื่อนได้ดี เพื่อนที่ดีต้องบอกกันนะ

FIAT: And I’d be like, “Really? How’s my hair?”

20.34
BICK: Number 2, “Would you like to talk about it?”

FIAT: That’d be a real tear-jerker. I’d be like, ฮือๆๆๆๆ

BICK: เพื่อนเราจะรู้ว่าเราอยากพูด Our best friends would know, right, that we need to talk. Even when we don’t seem like we do, but actually we need to.

BEAU: It’s nice to hear that someone cares and wants to listen to your problems. That’s what a good friend is. That’s what being friends is all about. It’s being there for each other. Sometimes just by listening. You don’t have to give advice. Just listen to them vent. It will make them feel so much better.

It’s nice to hear that someone cares and wants to listen to your problems.

21.31
BICK: And number 1 on the list of things you love the most when your friends say them to you, “Go for it! You’d be great!”

FIAT: They are being supportive. Like for me, when I go to an audition for a TV show, my friend, who’s not in the entertainment business would have no idea about it. And when I told them that, ‘Oh this is so hard. Maybe I won’t get it.’ He’d be like, ‘You’ll be great! Don’t worry about it! If they don’t choose you, they lose a chance to work with you. Their loss!’ which is really nice. Whatever you do, if they love you, they’ll support you.

24.15
BEAU: For me today I have a song. Since we’re talking about friendship, the song is called, ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Me’ by Randy Newman. You might have heard it on Toy Story or the Michael Buble rendition of it. I love the lyrics to the song. Every time you hear it, it makes you smile. My favorite part of the song said, ‘You’ve got a friend in me. If you’ve got trouble, I’ve got them, too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We stick together and see it through. Cause you’ve got a friend in me.’ That totally sums up my friendship with my friends. It made me think about me closest friends and my best friends. What we did for each other and how we’ve been there for each other. (BICK: ร่วมทุกข์ร่วมสุขเนอะ FIAT:ไม่ใช่ร่วมแต่สุขอย่างเดียว BICK: แล้วก็ไม่ใช่ร่วมแต่ทุกข์อย่างเดียวด้วย บางคนมีความดราม่าในตัวสูง อย่าให้รู้ว่าจะร้องไห้ จะไปร้องด้วย)

‘You’ve got a friend in me. If you’ve got trouble,
I’ve got them, too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.
We stick together and see it through.
Cause you’ve got a friend in me.’

25.42
FIAT: เฟี้ยตเคยไปร่วมงานกับสะมาริตันส์ เป็นองค์กรป้องกันการฆ่าตัวตายระหว่างชาติ หลายคนอาจสงสัย เอ๊ะเกี่ยวอะไรกับตอนนี้ คือเขาจะสอนให้คนฟังเป็น จะรับอาสาสมัครไปรับฟังคนที่เขามีปัญหา คือบางทีคนมีปัญหาแค่มีคนรับฟังก็ช่วยเขาได้เยอะแล้ว They say people listen but they don’ hear. Or maybe they judge. And when they judge, they don’t have the room to understand other people. So they want people to listen with their hearts and you will not say the inconsiderate words that might hurt others. So next time if you want to comfort someone, you might wanna try to listen to them carefully. And by doing that, you’ve already helped. And for more information you might want to check out the website, samaritans-thailand.org

คือบางทีคนมีปัญหาแค่มีคนรับฟังก็ช่วยเขาได้เยอะแล้ว

26.47
BEAU: That’s it for today’s episode. We hope you guys enjoyed it.

FIAT: Just to remind you, ‘Friends are not found, but made’. So make your best attempt to keep friendship with your friends.

BICK: เรื่องของเพื่อนก็อาจไม่ได้มีแต่อะไรดีๆ เสมอไป ก็อาจจะต้องมีกระทบกระทั่งกันบ้าง แต่นั่นคือ part of the whole package of the friendship

FIAT: รับเอาไว้ทั้งความอัปลักษณ์ ทั้งความน่ารักของอีกคนหนึ่งเอาไว้ด้วย

BICK: อย่างที่เขาว่า ‘Warts and all’ ทั้งข้อดีและข้อเสีย ทั้งหมดทั้งปวง

_____________________________________________________________

Songs credit
You’ve Got A Friend In me, performed by Randy Newman and Michael Buble

Gloomy Sunday, written in 1932 by Rezső Seress, was known as the Hungarian Suicide Song and blamed for more suicides than any other song in history

Photo credit: pixabay.com

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